Bonding with Baby
Respectful Parenting's guide to quality time from birth || RIE Series 2/3 ||
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TL;DR:
There you stand: in the entryway of your home, the recent whirlwind of labor, birth, and recovery still ringing in your ears. You hold in your arms a bundle that makes you feel like a foreigner in your own life, a stranger in your own home. The gravity of the task ahead clouds everything else out of your mind. You take the first step and ask, “What now?”
Perhaps it feels underwhelming. You were expecting radiant moments of bonding and connection, only to find that your precious bundle prefers to sleep. Perhaps it feels overwhelming. You were expecting a sleepy, but calm, newborn bubble, but now it seems like you’re constantly putting out fires.
Regardless of the particulars, most parents–especially those spending all day at home with their newborn– wonder how to best spend time with their baby. The question becomes more confusing if you’re convinced– by Montessori, RIE, or others– that the parent’s role is not to teach or entertain the child, but to observe and prepare the environment. How exactly, then, does one spend quality time with the child?
Magda Gerber, founder of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), has a distinct view of how to foster an emotionally nurturing environment, one that creates space for quality time from birth. The heart and soul of her method focuses on the time that parents and children must spend together by the nature of their relationship: caregiving time.
‘Wants-Something’ Time
Parents and children spend hours every day and hundreds of hours across the first year of life completing care routines: feeding, diapering, bathing, and dressing. Like all cumulative experiences, this time adds up to something. It combines to form some inescapable and profound meaning. The child can’t help integrating his experiences into a total, into an understanding of his mind, body, relationships, and his life.
Does he learn that caring for his body is disagreeable and offensive or rejuvenating and enjoyable? Does he learn to be a passive object or an active participant in his life? Does he learn that his movements are too clumsy, his efforts too inefficacious to amount to anything, or does he learn that he can build independence and competence as he grows? Most importantly, does he learn that time spent together is a mechanical chore or a valuable moment of cooperation, an oasis of connection that gives fuel for the journey ahead?
Gerber coined the name ‘Wants-Something’ time for the times when the parent want to complete a goal with the child, specifically care routines. Though these routines are a substantial investment in time, that doesn’t automatically translate into quality time for parent and child. Concerning quality time, Gerber asserts,
“It is what happens consistently, not mechanically, that counts. You can be together hour after hour in great quantities but not actually connect, see, hear, or respond to each other. That is not what quality time is all about."1
Instead, quality time is about a gift of time and attention. Time and attention that is full and undivided. The goal of these routines is threefold: (1) for the experience to be enjoyable for both parties, (2) for parent and child to learn to cooperate for the completion of a mutual goal, and (3) to forge the beginnings of respectful discipline.
1. An enjoyable experience for both parties
In order for the caregiving routine to be enjoyable, the activity cannot be seen as a time-out from the good part of life. These are not something to robotically perform, rush through, or be distracted from. Rather, they are an essential part of an infancy well-lived. This is time to connect, to share eye contact, to laugh, to learn about the body, how to communicate, and how to cooperate.
The first step, then, is to go slow and communicate everything. Infants need time to process the things that are said and the things that are happening. Gerber’s advice is to pause, to wait for a response for the first thing said or done before moving on, even if it’s as simple as recognition through eye contact. She also recommends that the parent inform the infant beforehand that it is time to nurse, change his diaper, or give him a bath. She urges parents to communicate each step: “now I’m pulling the tab of your diaper,” “now I’m going to put your arm through the sleeve,” etc.
Though it may seem silly because he can’t initially understand, the typical conversation of “You’re so stinky!” “Where’s your nose?” or “I love your little toes” is no less silly, while this conversation has the benefits of occurring during a time of full, one-on-one attention, of not interrupting the child from more important work, and of modeling respect and proper language. It is also surprising to discover just how quickly an infant learns to associate his parents’ words and gestures with their forthcoming actions.
When the infant is able to anticipate and predict what will happen to him, he not only feels more involved in the process and therefore more respected, but, as a result, can begin to relax, enjoy the experience, and focus on controlling his body so that he can collaborate. Gerber often asks us to imagine how we would feel if we were incapacitated, unable to communicate, and required intimate care from others. What kind of care would we want? What kind of care would be enjoyable, rather than jolting and inconsiderate? Wouldn’t we want to know what someone is about to do to us, to have some warning of what’s to come, even if just a soothing voice?
Of course, all this makes it easier for parents to enjoy the process as well. When care routines cease being battles or robotic chores, they can also relax. They can enjoy the shared smiles and laughs and the new progress the infant makes toward independence every day.
2. An opportunity to cooperate
According to Gerber, the child is a competent initiator who wants to have an active role in his own life. When parents consistently communicate their intentions and actions beforehand, go slowly, and complete care routines in a similar way every time, the infant quickly learns to anticipate and cooperate. Without any insistence or encouragement, he’ll begin to lift his legs when it’s time to replace his diaper, to hold out his arms when it’s time to be picked up and go take a bath, to reach for the wipe to clean himself etc.
Once the child has shown himself capable of understanding his parents’ communication, Gerber encourages parents to then prompt the child for his help at each step. Parents can say for example, “It’s time to take off your diaper, can you pull the tab?” Then, similar to every communication, they should pause and wait for the child’s response. Sometimes he may be able to do it and other times not, but this is immaterial.
The point is not to offload the task to the child. Rather, it is to give him a chance to increase his competence, both through his proven ability to understand what his parents want and to become more independent. Through this expectation of cooperation, the child learns to take an active role in his life. Instead of resigning to the role of a passive object, the one acted on by others regardless of understanding or skill level, he takes his place as an essential actor in his own life.
Because his parents communicate with him from birth and wait attentively, with full confidence that he will soon understand, he can self-assuredly take on his role as a communicator as soon as he does understand. Because his parents expect cooperation from the beginning by involving him at every step, he learns to pay full attention and join in the process as soon as he is able.
3. The beginnings of discipline
The quality time the parent and child experience from birth contains the seeds of self-discipline. By respecting the child’s focus and not asking him to split his mind and body, he learns to be disciplined in his attention. By communicating with the child honestly and responding to him, he learns to be disciplined in his communication, first through honing his signals and anticipating the next steps, finally through saying whole words and active collaboration. By expecting cooperation and providing space for the child to make attempts, he learns to discipline his movements.
As the child gets older and approaches toddler-hood, the connection between quality time and discipline becomes more explicit. Gerber compares cooperation at this stage to a dance. There is give and take, a leader and a follower. She encourages parents to first allow the child to take the lead, to enjoy this stage of teasing and testing by playing along. They should do this while making it clear that this is play time.
When it is time to move on and finish the task, however, then they should be firm. Now it is time for the parent to take the lead and the child to follow. At this point, they shouldn’t respond to his playfulness, but expect cooperation. For example, they may say something like, “Now, it’s time to put on your pants. Can you pull them up, or shall I?” The goal is to be clear that now it is business time, not play time. First it was your turn, now it is mine.
This daily (or hourly) interaction during care routines that combine availability and responsiveness with clear and firm limits is the essence of the approach to discipline in Respectful Parenting. The child is learning from each care activity that his parents value the time spent with him, value his communication, his cooperation, and his independence. He is also learning that there are certain, un-budging limits. There is a time for play and a time for business. In each space, he learns what behavior is expected and how to discipline his mind and body to meet those expectations.
Janet Lansbury, a student of Magda Gerber and author of two books on Respectful Parenting, comments here on the importance of diapering for the relationship between parent and child:
“Diapering is not just about getting a job done or having a clean baby. Our hands are a baby’s introduction to the world. If they touch slowly, gently, and “ask” a child for cooperation rather than demand it, we are rewarded with a relationship bound in trust, respect and the inexorable knowledge of our importance to each other.”2
Of course, this expands beyond diapering to all care routines and all interactions parents have with their child. This approach to quality time– first and foremost, the times we see as opportunities for quality time– add up to something profound and meaningful for the child: to his active competence, his quest for independence, and a secure relationship with his parents.
‘Wants-Nothing’ Time
Though the rest of the child’s waking time is often spent exploring independently and interacting with the world, the parents’ presence is still vitally important, according to Gerber. Their role is not to teach the child how to play, to give him lessons on how to roll or crawl, or to entertain him with flashy toys or silly faces, but to sensitively observe him.
Gerber calls this ‘Wants-Nothing’ time because, unlike ‘Wants-Something’ time, there is no agenda or specific goal that the parents want to accomplish. The child is not performing for his parents, nor are the parents performing for the child. It’s a time for the child to be given full attention without any expectations for a specific type of play or kind of interaction.
Because the child is given ample interactive quality time during each care routine, he feels secure to play independently with or without his parents in his immediate proximity. Because every care routine is treated as an opportunity for connection and bonding, the times spent together outside these moments don’t carry a tinge of desperation, a sense of precious time slipping relentlessly through a sieve and disappearing forever. The parent does not feel he needs to make up for lost time, because he has taken full advantage of the time they already must spend together. Gerber comments that ‘Wants-Nothing’ time:
"…is a free-flowing space in which the child should not feel he has to perform, because the parent is not sending out the kind of demanding messages that say, 'I am here now, what shall we do?'
If the infant seems to ignore you and is doing something completely on his own, don't leave. It is very comforting for him to know you are there, really there, without any pressure to have to do something to keep your attention."3
This kind of observation is hard to do. Instead of looking ahead to what milestone he might hit next, scrolling social media, or distracted by the mind’s never-ending to-do list, it is about getting in tune with what the child is actually doing. To see what he is capable of now, to hear what he is communicating, and to be inspired by his overflowing sense of purpose and joy.
In ‘Wants-Something’ quality time, the parents are the initiators. They tell the child that it’s time to complete a goal, communicate what they’re doing at each step, and reign in the child once play time is over. During ‘Wants-Nothing’ quality time, the roles are reversed.
Now, the child is predominantly the initiator. He explores, plays independently, and initiates any interactions with his parents. He may hand the parent toys, glance back to see that he is being watched, or even take short breaks in the parent’s lap. The parent acts as the secure home base from which the child leaves to explore and returns to refuel. The goal is for the parent to be available and waiting, while the child is the active initiator.
Though this type of quality time is less direct, it is still a gift of the parents’ full presence. Gerber contends that when the child has the opportunity to refuel during care time and to know his parents enjoy his presence without expectations during independent time, he then has the security to also enjoy time alone. When they need to answer emails, do the dishes, or take a shower, they can. The child feels secure because his ‘cup has been filled’ and parents can feel secure because they know the child’s needs have been met.
Watching a child grow and make progress toward independence is one of the most delightful things a person can experience. It is one of the foremost reasons people cite for their decision to become parents (myself included!). But the child isn’t a plant, carefully preserved in a terrarium for us to silently observe his growth. He needs more than a safe environment with room to explore; he needs a warm and responsive relationship with his parents.
Magda Gerber, through her Respectful Parenting philosophy, provides a key to establishing and nourishing just such a relationship from birth. What she reveals is the hours of time that slip through the cracks of every humdrum day and how those hours can be reclaimed and consecrated to a life well-lived. If parents make use of the time given to them to establish a connection, to invite the child to participate in his own care, and to share with him their undivided attention, they will find their days filled with joy, laughter, and heaps of quality time.
Stay tuned for upcoming articles including a critique of RIE from a Montessorian perspective and then a new series delving into Positive Discipline.
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Gerber, Magda. Dear Parent Caring for Infants with Respect. (RIE) (p. 77-78)
Lansbury, Janet. Elevating Child Care: A Guide To Respectful Parenting (p. 29). JLML Press. Kindle Edition.
Gerber, Magda. Dear Parent Caring for Infants with Respect. (RIE) (p. 75-76)