The Philosophy of Respectful Parenting
The Philosophy of Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber || RIE Series 1/3 ||
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TL;DR
Ravaged by the Second World War– invaded and occupied successively by the Germans and then the Soviets– Hungary was left a devastated country. Even with much of its capital destroyed, thousands of its people strewn across Europe or imprisoned in gulags, and its money worthless, the country faced still another grave issue, an often-forgotten biproduct of any war: abandoned and orphaned children.
Enter Emmi Pikler. A well-known pediatrician in Budapest, she was tasked by the local authority after the war with setting up an institution that would care for these abandoned infants. The institution she founded came to be known as Lóczy for the street on which it was located, and it was unlike any other orphanage the world had seen before.
Children in most institutions fell victim to what was known as “hospitalism” or “institutionalism.” Even after care was taken to ensure they had good hygiene and nutrition, the mortality rate of children living in institutions was much higher than the rest of the population. Beyond this, they suffered from physical problems such as impairments in motor development and sense perception, cognitive problems such as memory difficulties and learning disabilities, as well as social-emotional problems such as difficulties in affect control and superficiality of relationships. Later studies indicated that children reared in institutions were more likely to be criminal and have antisocial behaviors as adults.
The leading theory for the cause of this issue is maternal deprivation, or lack of an intimate caregiving relationship with a predictable adult. Dr. Pikler had been working for years, both with her own daughter and her patients, developing ideas from her mentors about how to respectfully interact with children while creating an emotionally nurturing relationship.
Subsequently, at her institution caregivers were guided by a specific method of respect with the three infants that made up their cohort. Instead of an ever-changing, rotating set of nurses, the caregivers lived at the institute with the children and did all of the caregiving routines for the first three years of their cohort’s lives.
The result: an institution without the institutionalism.
In every area– mortality rate, motor and cognitive development, interpersonal relationships– children reared for the first three years of their lives at Lóczy were on a par with children reared in traditional homes. Group care and raising of children, which had been despaired and thought impossible, had been proven to be achievable.
Magda Gerber met Dr. Pikler in the late 1930’s when she sought a new pediatrician for her daughter. She was stunned by the way she treated her daughter and how she garnered the infant’s cooperation. With this inspiration, Magda went back to school and eventually came to work for Dr. Pikler at Lóczy. There she trained in the philosophy and became her friend and mentee. Magda eventually emigrated to the U.S. where she co-founded institutions to bring Dr. Pikler’s ideas and practices to an English-speaking audience. Expanding beyond group care, she presented principles for parents in general.
Though there is much I could discuss on the practical advice for parents, I will wait to address these in a forthcoming newsletter. Instead, the goal for today will be to get an understanding of Pikler and Gerber’s philosophy, namely: what they believe about the nature of children and what that means for the role of the adult.
It’s important to keep in mind that the focus of both Dr. Pikler and Magda’s work was with children under the age of three. Even though many of their ideas can apply to older children, not all can, so the focus in this series will be on the youngest of children as well.
The Nature of the Child
A Self-Initiator and Explorer
According to Pikler and Gerber, infants and young children are naturally driven to explore their world: you, themselves, and the environment. Exercises do not need to be invented, busy toys meant to stimulate do not need to be bought, and intervention by the adult in the form of teaching is unnecessary. As Magda so eloquently quipped:
"We do not like busy toys; instead, we like busy infants."1
This emphasis on the importance of self-initiation is especially true in the area of motor development. During Dr. Pikler’s study to become a pediatrician, she noticed from accident statistics that children from lower-class families had fewer fractures and concussions than the children from well-to-do families.
From observation, she noticed that poorer children were allowed to play freely out on the streets and, as a result, were more physically capable and could fall without getting hurt. By contrast, wealthier children were kept inside under the watchful eye of a governess and, as a result, didn’t know what their bodies were capable of or their limits.
All parents, across all classes, thought they needed to teach their infants to achieve certain milestones– sitting up, rolling over, walking– and, thus, propped them up and assisted them in order to “teach.” Dr. Pikler asserted that this practice was both unnecessary and harmful for the child– physically and psychologically.
The child does not and cannot be taught to move in a particular way before he’s ready. Instead, the child learns by freely moving in his environment. Magda advises anyone who thinks that the infant is not exercising all day, to spend just a half hour mimicking the child’s every movement to see all the effort he is expending. The infant is continuously working to develop his capacities at exactly the right time, in exactly the right way; the process cannot be rushed, according to Pikler and Gerber. Magda reiterates:
"We believe infants always do what they can do, what they want to do, what they are compelled from inside to do. How do adults dare believe they know what an infant is ready to learn at any particular moment?"2
All the methods or contraptions a parent can use, therefore, either to teach or to entertain, expressly inhibit the child in his ability to develop his faculties. If the infant is propped in a sitting position before he can maintain it on his own, for example, he is uncomfortable and, as a result, unable to move in the ways he needs to move in order to develop.
Other baby-holding devices may or may not make the baby uncomfortable or unhappy, but, regardless, he is still prevented from freely moving as he needs to. This means that, for Pikler and Gerber, one should never use, or severely limit the use of, any restrictive device that prevents the infant’s free movement, whether it’s swings, bouncers, special baby seats, or carriers, and one should never impose a position on an infant that he can’t get into or maintain on his own.
Worse than impeding the child’s motor development, though, is the psychological result that comes with restricting movement or attempting to rush developmental milestones, according to Pikler and Gerber. What the child is learning is that they are never enough, that their stage of development is never enough. What is important in life is, not to authentically use and develop the faculties you do possess, but to fake and perform for others the faculties they want you to possess. Magda contends:
“What can we think of ourselves if what is expected of us we know we cannot deliver? It doesn’t make us feel very good about ourselves. The consequence of a parent trying to hurry up the developmental process is the child never feels he lives up to his parent’s expectations because, whatever he does, the most important person, his parent, wants something he cannot deliver. It’s only good for therapists because you breed new people who will need therapy!”3
What the Child Learns from Us
Though the parents cannot directly teach things to an infant by drilling flashcards or holding lectures, the infant is still learning vital things from the interactions he has with his parents. The first, and most direct, thing parents teach is themselves, according to Pikler and Gerber. Magda asserts:
"What parents teach is themselves, as models of what is human– by their moods, their reactions, their facial expressions and actions. These are the real things parents need to be aware of, and of how they affect their children. Allow them to know you, and it might become easier for them to learn about themselves."4
Children learn through what they see from their parents what it means to be human– how to interact with the world, how to understand and process their emotions, how to connect with others. The parents, by being sensitive to the child’s needs and responding thoughtfully, give the child a firm foundation on which he can build his whole personality. From the response he receives when he falls to the smile he’s greeted with when he wakes up from his nap, the child learns what kind of world he has found himself in and what he can expect from others in it.
Instead of treating the child like a passive object, an object who has things done to it, Pikler and Gerber urge parents to invite even the youngest infant to actively take part in the process. When feeding, bathing or diapering, they urge parents to make eye contact, talk to him, invite him into the experience from the very beginning.
Instead of the care becoming a robotic process, as a tiresome chore that needs to get done, they urge caregivers to treat the time spent together there as quality time. Infants begin associating their parents’ language and gestures with their actions much earlier than one would expect and will soon be anticipating the next step and attempting to cooperate.
If parents invite the child to participate in the care that’s happening to him, rather than distracting him with a toy in his hand, a mobile above his head, or a screen, then he learns that his thoughts, words, and actions have a tangible impact on how people act and what happens to him. His is not to submit passively to what others do to him, even when he is infinitely weaker, but to take charge of what processes he can control and never dissociate his mind from his body.
Through this habit of purposeful interaction and connection–occurring multiple times a day for months or years– the child naturally learns how to cooperate. He learns in a visceral, hands-on way what it feels like to control his legs and lift them so his parent can replace his diaper. He learns how it feels to move his arm out of his sleeve when his parent needs to dress him, how to signal that he’s ready for another bite of food, how to rotate his body so his parent can scrub his back. In every caregiving act, he is learning that people work together to accomplish tasks and that he has an integral role which only he can play and that he can choose to play or not. Magda comments:
"An infant who is encouraged to actively participate in the process of his care will be challenged to be a willingly independent child and to master his own self-care as he grows older. Approaching diapering as quality time with your infant will give you more enjoyable time together, and will give him the feeling that you value your time together, which affirms for your infant his value as a person."5
The Role of the Adult
An Observer of the Child
Beyond providing purposeful and interactive care in the nutritional and hygienic needs of the child, the adult also has a role as a sensitive observer. Rather than actively teaching, encouraging, or stimulating the child to greater heights of development, the parent should observe and enjoy the stage the child is currently in. If the infant is not yet rolling over he doesn’t need to be taught to do so.
An important aspect of this careful observation is to allow the child to struggle, make efforts, and eventually succeed with as little adult intervention as possible. If the infant is reaching for a toy and slightly frustrated, don’t grab it and hand it to him, but instead wait and observe. Allow him to persevere to attain it on his own. If the child is in danger of becoming over-frustrated when facing a hurdle, the parent should give the lightest amount of help possible, just so that the child can get unstuck and still be able to eventually enjoy his own achievement.
When a parent or other adult gets in the habit of rushing in and solving the problem the moment a child shows frustration or disappointment, two damaging things happen. First, the child is robbed of his ability to attain mastery and experience the corresponding joy. Just as serious as the first, the child may never learn to problem-solve on his own or persist when he’s presented with roadblocks.
If a toddler throws a ball and it rolls underneath a piece of furniture, he may become upset and start crying. Rather than moving the furniture or reaching underneath yourself, Gerber asks parents to acknowledge the child’s feelings and ask him what could be done. This way, the child feels understood while also maintaining his autonomy and ability to think through issues. Magda remarks:
“It is truly fascinating to observe infants solving their own problems with concentration, endurance, and good frustration tolerance. This happens if adults are available rather than intrusive, and if they learn to wait and see whether the child could work it out by himself before offering help.
A freely exploring child “selects” his own problems and is internally motivated to solve them, in his own way, continuously learning without experiencing failure.”6
Another facet of this observation is to try to understand the real need that the infant is communicating. This is not obvious, of course, because the infant can’t articulate what he needs, but it is crucially important. Because the cry of babies is upsetting, it can be very tempting to simply give the bottle or the pacifier to the baby whenever he cries. It is far more difficult to pause and observe him while he cries in order to try to discern what his real needs are.
If parents attempt to satisfy a need less carefully, they run the risk of creating a “need” that wasn’t there before. The infant always given the bottle when he’s upset, for example, becomes the child or adult who looks for comfort through eating.
Often what is needed is just for the parents to go slower. Magda recommends that parents talk calmly to the baby assuring him that you’re there and want to find out what he needs. Then, wait. Wait longer than you think necessary, though it may feel unbearable. It takes infants a long time to register information and respond. If the parent has moved on to rocking, feeding, or shooshing they will mistakenly attribute the cure to one of these when the calm speech might have been the action that actually calmed him.
If parents wait and try to see what the infant is communicating and respond sensitively to meeting his needs, he will grow in his own confidence that he is able to communicate and bring about change in his life. Over time, parent and infant form a mutual language by learning the best way to communicate and understand one another. Both grow in competence and therefore their confidence in their ability to anticipate and respond to life’s challenges.
A Preparer of the Environment
The final role of the parent, much like Montessori, is as the preparer of a particular environment. This environment is one that meets the baby’s needs and allows him to explore freely on his own initiative. Magda defines this ideal environment as one that is safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing.
The safety of the environment is of paramount importance since the infant or toddler is allowed to roam freely. He needs to be able to crawl, reach, grab, walk, and scoot completely safely. Typically, the child’s room is his first environment, so it will be completely baby-proofed long before he is actually mobile. Magda defines the standard for a completely safe environment as follows:
"My definition of a safe environment is this: if whoever is in charge of the infant were someday accidentally locked out of the house until the end of the day, the infant would survive. The infant might be upset, be tired, be hungry, be crying– but the infant would still be safe."7
Another requirement is for the environment to be cognitively challenging. Part of this means the aforementioned hesitance to solve all the child’s problems, but it also means providing suitable objects and removing cumbersome restrictions like restrictive clothing. To Pikler and Gerber, suitable objects are simple and not overstimulating. The infant does not need noisy, light-making toys to attract his attention.
Objects around the home, balls, boxes, or cloths are all ideal playthings for an infant. The goal with these objects is for there to be a near infinite variety of things he can do with them, rather than a fixed, one-trick-pony kind of toy. The child is learning about the world, his capacities, and how to actively entertain himself, not passively be entertained by parents or noisy toys. This means he shouldn’t be taught how to play, but instead, left to his own creativity and drive for exploration as he manipulates the objects. This way, his learning and experiences are authentic rather than confined and performative.
Finally, the environment must be emotionally nurturing. This includes the personal and interactive nature of caregiving routines, but also their predictability. Magda urges parents to try and do routines around the same time, in the same place, and in the same way. This enables the infant to begin to anticipate what will happen and feel more secure and able to cooperate. Pick a neutral, non-distracting place to complete routines. Talk through the steps each time and try to do the same steps each time. To do this, it is important that areas of the home are carefully prepared ahead of time with everything the parent will need without interrupting the flow.
Another aspect of an emotionally nurturing environment is the response the parent has to the child’s feelings. Instead of viewing a child’s frustration or tears as something that must be suppressed or distracted away, Magda urges parents to acknowledge and accept them. She asks parents to try and see things from the child’s point of view, to empathize with him, and to help him regulate by giving language to his feelings. If a child loses a toy, rather than distracting him or saying “it’s okay,” acknowledge that this is a loss and explain what you see and how he feels. In this way, the child learns to be the authentic version of himself, rather than a performer who must fake his feelings.
In the prepared environment, one that is safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing, the child is free to explore. He is free to learn about the world, his capabilities and limits, his emotions and relationships with others. In each area, he is seen as the competent and whole human being that he is, not just the potential that he will eventually become.
Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber advocated for parents to see their children as competent self-initiators and explorers who were always at the right stage of their development. The child does not need to be taught or stimulated, but given freedom and an invitation to participate in his life in the ways he can succeed.
They beseeched parents to treat caregiving routines as priceless opportunities for quality time, rather than as mechanical chores to be finished as quickly as possible. They asked parents to take seriously their role as observers and preparers of their child’s first environment. If the parents are careful and sensitive to their child’s needs, he will grow at the perfect time into an independent and fully authentic human being.
Stay tuned for upcoming articles discussing the concrete tips for applying Magda’s philosophy and a comparison of Respectful Parenting and Montessori.
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Gerber, Magda. The RIE Manual for Parents and Professionals . Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) (p. 214). Kindle Edition.
Gerber, Magda. Dear Parent Caring for Infants with Respect. (RIE) (p. 11)
Gerber, Magda. The RIE Manual for Parents and Professionals . Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) (p. 2387). Kindle Edition.
Gerber, Magda. Dear Parent Caring for Infants with Respect. (RIE) (p. 14)
Gerber, Magda. The RIE Manual for Parents and Professionals . Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) (p. 901). Kindle Edition.
Gerber, Magda. The RIE Manual for Parents and Professionals . Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) (p. 1765). Kindle Edition.
Gerber, Magda. Dear Parent Caring for Infants with Respect. (RIE) (p. 15)